Running is free therapy.

I was really looking forward to my run today because I had a very stressful workday and know that it's going to be a very long work week so I couldn't wait to leave work and just run. Run away from problems, stress, criticism, worry, etc. By the time I was able to get out there it was after 6:30 and the Bears game started at 7:15 so it was going to be a quick one. Even in the cloudy weather and slight drizzle my new Garmin watch found a GPS signal pretty quickly and I was on my way. I ran 3.08 miles in just under 40 minutes and ran an 11-12 min pace. Not super fast but I didn't stop and walk at all (despite my couch to 10k telling me to walk after 30 min). I just kept running since I was in a time crunch and wanted to catch the kick off!

Little did I know that the Bears were going to play like horse shit...

Two more days of work...two more days...

Fell off the Wagon...

Yeah so it's been a little while.  Not proud but I'm back and that's what's important.  I took it upon myself to take the week off for my birthday (back on November 9th) and only ended up screwing myself.  It's been a roller-coaster the past couple of weeks starting off with the lowest of lows as I had a slight mental breakdown the week of my birthday.  The cause is not something that I wish to delve into, however, my pissy attitude surrounding my birthday makes it a wee bit difficult for those that care about me to do anything special to show that they care and I pretty much act like a brat.  Not proud of that either but I'm working on it.  Ok wait, in my defense I could mention here that I didn't hear from my best friend of 20+ years on my birthday but I won't. ;) Any who...what actually IS worth mentioning is that despite my sad, bratty efforts I ended up having a fantastic birthday. Those that matter most in my life made me feel very special and loved and I owe them a great big thanks!  My bff Caitlin (the bff that DID remember my bday) and my sister, Annie, live far far away (Virginia and Alaska) but are always the closest in my heart and I am very grateful for both of them, more than they know.

And I definitely gave Mr. Johnny D a run for his money the week of my birthday and well...I was just plain crazy.  But as always, he stuck it out and rolled with the punches (and dodged the shots I was taking at him and life in general) and planned a really special birthday celebration for me.  When I got home from work on Friday he and his family had set up a little party at my apartment and brought cake and presents and food and it was perfect.  And I really do like to think that the gifts that you receive on your birthday aren't what's most important but this year...I made out like a bandit and not afraid to say it!  I got a subscription to Runner's World from Caitlin and running shirts that I've been eyeing for months from Annie and Rich that I can't wait to wear. Johnny's parents got me a pretty scarf, a jewelry organizer and my Garmin running watch!!!!  So so so nice of them and way too generous!  I've used the watch a couple of times (see I haven't been a complete bum but definitely should have used it 10x by now...) and it's awesome.  I'm so excited to know how far I've actually run and not just the length of time.  And Johnny got me a pretty Pandora bracelet with a limited edition Bears charm (his grandparents got me a 2nd charm too) and an awesome new Northface winter jacket.  Loved everything!  The rest of the weekend was perfect too.  Relaxing, laughing, eating (uh oh) and just being happy together.  It was perfect.  Hence why I was a bum...I was having too much fun.

So like I said I have been running every other day or so but definitely not as consistently as I was two weeks ago so getting back on it tomorrow.  Also getting back on the blog because it really was helping to keep me more accountable.  There's obviously been a lot more going on the past two weeks than just my birthday (I'm not that self-centered) but it's pretty late and nothing that exciting too get into at the moment.  Until next time...

Bathtub Blog

Blogging from my bathtub. I could get used to this. I haven't taken a long hot bath in a long time and these days I need to try anything to chill the fuck out. I've been super emotional lately. Stressed, depressed, frustrated and it hasn't been fun. Nothing I really want to get into at the moment because I'm supposed to be being MORE POSITIVE but yeah...hopefully things will start turning around soon. (starting with a new job...)

Yesterday I had the best run of my life. The best. I was really worried about it because I hadn't ran, let alone worked out in 3 days ,and I wasn't being mindful of what I was eating either but I knew that this is going to happen from time to time and I need to just get right back in it and not look back. I went to the forest preserve at 9:30 am and had an hour workout ahead of me. I ran without headphones/music again and I really am starting to love it. The first mile and a half or two miles was hard. It usually takes awhile to get loose and into a groove but once I got close to that two miles I could feel my stride come together and my body was on autopilot. I used to run and say aloud to myself "you can do this. Just. Keep going." and I would sometimes repeat that to myself. Yesterday was different. Yesterday I started saying aloud to myself "you're doing it. You. Are. Doing. It.". And the tears came again. It was the closest thing I have ever felt to a runner's high. No...It WAS runner's high. I ran the entire preserve and actually wished there had been more trail to run. Sick, right?

After my run I sat on a bench overlooking the trails. I wish I could bottle up those thoughts and feelings and have them on hand for shitty days like today. I was so proud of myself.

Every little bit counts. Right?

So I kind of cheated this week.  No, not my workouts/runs.  No, not my eating (though I could always be better at that...).  I pre-weighed myself on Friday.  Even though I was getting my workouts in and not eating anything too crazy I started to feel a little nervous Friday that I wasn't going to have as great of a week as I did last week.  My body just wasn't feeling the "difference" as much as it had been the previous week.  So I thought I'd just take a peek at the scale a day early and see where I was at.  The results?  I was exactly where I was at 6 days before.  Not the end of the world but I was disappointed.  I felt like I had just lost another perfectly good week to lose weight and I blew it, just as I have most of the weeks of my life.  On the other hand I thought there may still be hope for Saturday's weigh in BECAUSE I weighed myself on Friday after I had already eaten breakfast, had a couple cups of coffee and the day was half over.  How could the number be 100% accurate?  So I buckled down the rest of Friday and I did 75% of the Zumba "Mix" DVD and was on point with my calorie intake.

I need to take a minute and talk about this Zumba "Mix" DVD.  It was pretty amazing.  I have had this Zumba DVD set for probably a year now, maybe more and I never used this particular DVD in my workouts.  I have done the cardio, toning, live dvd, etc. but never the Mix.  The Mix is a cardio dvd that has you working out and dancing to songs from around the world with traditional steps.  It seriously was SO MUCH fun and kicked my ass.  I did a Bollywood style dance, African dancing, Belly dancing, some Japanese inspired dance, Salsa dancing, some French regaeton (sp?) or something, the Tango/Flamenco, some Brazilian dance...  So many!  The reason I only did 75% was because I only had 45-hour to workout and there were so many new songs and dances in this one that I just didn't have time to finish but I can't wait to do this one again.  Highly, highly recommend it.

Back to my weigh-in for the week.  So this morning I woke up and weighed myself "officially" and I was 1.5 lbs less than last week.  Whoop whoop! Not much but thank god it was something.  Every inch makes a difference, right?  Right?!  It fucking better!!!!!!  Do I think I lost 1.5 lbs from Friday to Saturday? No.  I think that Friday's weight just wasn't accurate but who cares? What matters is I'm getting smaller.  And I have more proof than just the number on the scale:

Last month I mentioned that I took measurements of my body.  I never posted them but I wrote them down and this month I remeasured myself.  Here are the old and new:

October 2nd Measurements:

Waist: 42.5 inches
Hip: 51 inches
Thigh: 27.5 inches
Bust: 47 inches
Arm: 14 inches
Neck: 15.25 inches
Butt: 47.5 inches

November 3rd Measurements:

Waist: 38.5 inches (4 inches lost)
Hip: 48 inches (3 inches lost)
Thigh: 26 inches (1.5 inches lost)
Bust: 45 inches (2 inches lost)
Arm: 13 inches (1 inch lost)
Neck: 15 inches (.25 inches lost)
Butt: 45.5 inches (2 inches lost)

BAM!  Proof!  Super happy when I saw these numbers and only hope that next month I can keep it up!

And in other exciting news...Daylight Savings is tonight! One more hour of sleep!!!! Night night!

Deep Breath...

As I sit here, I feel like I can finally take a deep breath. For the past couple of weeks my boyfriend and I have been counting down the days until he had a tumor surgically removed from his back. The tumor itself is not fun to think about and can be quite scary (chances are that it's most likely not cancerous but we will know more in a week) but the real task at hand was getting through the surgery. To say Johnny was nervous would be an understatement. The unknown can be very scary and I don't blame him for being worried and concerned, but he did great, absolutely great and I'm so proud. I can usually keep a level head, talk to the doctors, and be the rock as best I can, but as I walked with him to the operating room doors and had to say goodbye and good luck, I quietly hid my tears. In that moment you are reminded of how lucky you are and to be thankful for the person that you have by your side through life's ups and downs. It wasn't that I was worried that something would happen or that I would never see him again...I didn't want him to be scared. I didn't want him to be in pain. And I didn't want him to feel alone.

The surgery is said and done and we can now put it behind us. And I'm sure Johnny is very happy to have had it removed as soon as possible because the doctor ended up finding another tumor underneath the muscle that he didn't know was there. He was able to get that one out as well.

After a long day and a painfully bumpy car ride home, he is on the mend and will be just fine in a couple of days. He was even feeling ok enough to tell me to go on my run yesterday afternoon. What a guy. He knows that I've been putting so much time in and it would be a good way to release some of the built up stress of the week. After I checked and double checked that he would be fine on his own, I went to my favorite forest preserve to run. I hadn't been able to run there for a month or so because it closes at dusk so I was happy to be back on the trail.

I have been reading some running magazine lately and numerous articles have suggested running without music or headphones so you can really listen to the rhythm of your steps and pay closer attention to your breathing, etc so I decided to give it a chance. I didn't listen to any music for the first 30 minutes and then I put on some instrumental songs from Rudy (don't laugh) for the last 15-20 minutes when I really needed the extra motivation.

Tucking away my headphones and simply being alone with my thoughts made such a difference. I really enjoyed running along the beautiful autumn trails in silence and taking a little bit of time to give thanks.

It's about damn time!!!

I finally bought my most important piece of running gear yesterday.  Yes, shoes are obviously important and a necessity but I've been lacking something else for too long.  I needed a sports bra to hold these bad boys up and in for a looooong time.  And since I was having a case of the Mondays I decided to brighten my own day with an early birthday splurge at the running store. :)

I knew right away what bra I wanted since I've been researching online for a couple months now.  I bought a Moving Comfort Juno sports bra in black.  This bad boy feels like a suit of armor.

Wish I looked like this in the bra.  One day...

Then I decided to continue to look around at some cold weather running gear.  I run in the same Nike capri running tights EVERY DAY.  I try to wash them after every run but let's be honest, sometimes things happen and I end up having to wear them twice before washing.  Trust me, I even gross myself out but what's a girl to do.  Running pants aren't cheap.  A couple of weeks ago my running pants were dirty (aka worn 2x without washing) so I decided to wear some Nike running shorts instead and I was gone for not even 5 minutes before I had to turn around and run back home to change into the smelly, still sweaty, running pants.  Couldn't take it.  The last thing I need when I'm trying to keep my body running is to be thinking about how uncomfortable my clothes are and be digging shorts out of my crotch.  Pretty hard to stay in the zone.  I tried on a few different pairs of running pants that the nice sales lady, Kathy, suggested for me.  I told her I am used to running in "tights" (I guesss that's what they call running pants that are tight all the way down the leg) because often the waist on a straight leg pant will ride on me or move and I end up pulling at it, etc.  I have this problem because it's hard for me to find pants that fit around my waist that still fit on my butt and thighs because I carry most of my weight in my stomach.  I'm glad I tried on Kathy's suggestions anyway because I ended up loving the Moving Comfort Fearless pant and the waist is high (sexy I know) and it has a thick elastic band at the top so hopefully it won't give me any problems as I run.

Yep, that's my stomach. :)

I wassssss going to stop there.  I swear I was.  But they had so many cute thermal tops and trust me, I need one of those too.  I've been wearing my very old and very thin black Northface fleece over a t-shirt to run when it is cold outside. Not cutting it for many reasons.  1. It's black and has no reflectors on it. 2. Not water repellant. 3. Not very warm (very old and extremely thin) 4. It's my everyday jacket and only "winter" coat so like my running pants, it doesn't get washed as often as it should.  So I bought this lovely thermal top from Nike:

Nike Element Thermal Hoodie

I wore the bra and Nike top yesterday during my run and both were great.  I don't know how I ran with my old sports bra before. (I would have to wear TWO and it still wasn't cutting it!)  Going to test out the new pants right now when I do the Zumba Strength and Toning DVD.  We'll see if they ride, fall, move, twist as I lunge, salsa and thrust my pelvis.  :)

Uh Oh?

I absolutely hate this time of the week.  Sunday night, getting ready for bed, thinking about Monday and how much it's going to BLOW when that alarm goes off at 6 am (ok...and 6:25) and it's time to go back to work.  That has not changed in the past 4 weeks.  But what HAS changed in the past 4 weeks is how I am starting to look at food.  Emphasis on "starting".  As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I had a really good week this week.  I ate well and I worked my ass off and it paid off.  I'm down another 4.5 lbs!!!  Yep...and then comes Sunday.  Since yesterday I weighed in and I worked out I decided that I deserved to slack off a little bit today.  It started with McDonald's breakfast.  1.5 breakfast sammies, a hashbrown and a peppermint mocha (with skim milk because I was obviously counting calories!)  I'd also like to note here that it wasn't even that good.  Just saying.  But did it stop me from eating it? Hell no.  Then a few hours later I had some chips and guacamole.  Then a couple hours after that I had a homemade meatball sandwich, baked potato and salad for dinner.  Then a few hours after that a piece of cheese pizza.  Followed by some more chips and guacamole.  And here you have me: bloated, gassy, ashamed and full of regret.  I spent too many days over the past 28 years eating like I did today and where did it get me?  Unhappy and very overweight.  And it wasn't even worth it.  That's all I keep thinking.  It wasn't like I was eating at some five star, once in a lifetime restaurant in Europe. McDonald's and a meatball sandwich for cryin' out loud!!!  I even said to my boyfriend at one point post gluttony, "I don't miss feeling like this after I've eaten".  And that's the truth.  I hate it.  It's a miserable feeling that sits with you for hours after you've filled your body with crap.  Nothing compared to that feeling I had when I ran 5 miles this week.  I know I still have 71 lbs to go but I can FEEL the changes in my body as I've been running this week and that feeling is one of the best I have ever felt.  Even with the 70+ lbs of extra weight I have felt stronger and leaner and...confident.  And eating like an asshole today just sucks.  Could I have indulged in one thing today? Sure.  But I didn't need to go bat shit crazy the whole day because now I'm going to be spending the next 2-3 days working off ONE DAY of eating instead of adding to my current 16 lb weight loss.  Frus-trat-ing.

Back at it tomorrow and determined to have another successful week.  If Da Bears could recover today and pull out a 1 pt victory then I sure as hell can too!!  Go Bears!